Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
