why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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