I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
