I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
