I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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