The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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