I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
