ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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