she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
