drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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