Your face is a jimmy john
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
