Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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