I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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