I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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