was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
