I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
