Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
