planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
