Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
