I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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