i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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