last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
