The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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