3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
