You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
