nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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