I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
