Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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