College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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