I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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