So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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