There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
