All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
what day is it and did you see me today?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
