I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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