Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I want her autograph on my taint
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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