I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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