I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
