I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
