I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
