So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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