It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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