thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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