The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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