You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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