Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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