Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
