dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
