I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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