Don't make out with my wife yet
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize