Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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