Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
