Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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