Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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