How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
