About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
