just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
