I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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