So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
