I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
