I wish life had little blips of pornography
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
