question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
